Since when is guilt a wedding gift?
After one week of being married, true feelings are starting to come out of the woodwork like termites, eating away at the congratulations until they reveal the selfish sentiments that have been bubbling below.
I understand that some people are never going to understand why we wanted to have a private ceremony. I get that people will feel wronged or slighted somehow, believing that they deserved or were owed involvement. I understand that for some people, not wanting to parade your most intimate feelings for your partner around like a dog and pony show is a foreign concept. In this country, that’s just what people do in weddings. And I understand and respect other people’s desire for that kind of wedding.
But that’s not what felt right for us. And it makes me sad to hear from people who can’t understand this, and now their feelings are hurt. And I will respect your right to be hurt—as long as you don’t extend that into trying to make us regret the way we married. Because this was our wedding, and we had the right to have the kind of ceremony that we wanted. We did it for us, not for anyone else.
Ian and I didn’t decide to get married because it was something that was expected of us. When we started talking about what kind of ceremony we would have, it didn’t feel right to make a spectacle out of it, which would have been exactly what would have happened even if we had only invited our closest friends and family (which, by the way, would have ended up being at least 25 people after factoring in significant others). This is not a knock on our friends and family. Weddings are always spectacles, no matter the size. Most of America loves the spectacle of a wedding, and that’s great—for them. It’s just not us.
And this was our wedding. I’m sorry if some people are bummed out because they didn’t get to make a toast or throw a party or tear up as we exchanged rings. But if there was ever a time where it was appropriate to be selfish, this was it. And honestly, the thought of having an extremely personal conversation in front of a crowd just seemed like it would cheapen the sentiment for us.
We’re still going to throw a party. Our friends and family can come drink and eat on us, and they can make embarrassing toasts and throw wedding cake and participate in all the other wedding reception shenanigans they can think of.
But for the love of whatever is holy, please realize that we didn’t sit around and dream up how we could do this and piss off all our friends and family at the same time. It wasn’t our intent to hurt anyone’s feelings, we just had to do what was right for us. And if you know us, and love us, you’ll realize this was a beautiful thing.
Please don’t mar the happiness with guilt.
I don’t know ya, so all I’ve got is a simple congrats. Your pictures and words were/are heartwarming to all romantics.
My best your way.
People seriously need to realize that everything that happens in other people’s lives is not all about THEM.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.
I am sincerely thrilled for both of you.
Party on!
I’m so upset that a handful of folks are making you feel so bad. When you throw that party, you be sure to point them out to me…
I’m glad y’all stuck to your true wishes and had the ceremony that YOU wanted. Too many people focus on the napkins and the seating chart and the shoes dyed to match the eyeshadow. The focus should be on the marriage, not the wedding.
Stinkers.
It’s really absurd that people are making you feel guilty about this. After 11 years, you are definitely entitled to the wedding YOU want – not the one they want for you. You did the right thing, and got married the way you wanted to. These people making you feel bad really need to get over themselves and stop being so selfish.
Some of us are really happy for you two. So congrats from us!
Thanks y’all. I know that people are truly happy for us, I just wish they wouldn’t follow with, “But I wish *I* were involved.” The guilt trips are just kind of starting to weigh on me.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: do not allow anyone to send you on a guilt trip for doing the right thing for you and for Ian. Try to think, “Wow, that’s a lot of proverbial luggage you’ve set out,” rather than, “I guess I better get going.”
There is no guarantee that if you’d just done this or that that everyone would be happy. You know it probably wouldn’t work that way. This is coming from someone who tried to placate others and still ended up with people trying to make us regret the way we married, while we were marrying.
Good grief! I would expect that shit if yall were 22 or something, but jeez, we’re entering our 30’s soon! I really admire the way you did it–that’s kind of what we wanted but my mom was devastated, so some family was invited. we should have kept it secret like you!
I’m sorry some of your friends are such shitheads. Please don’t give them a second thought. You’ve wasted more than enough of your time worrying about their feelings. Tell them to grow up and get over it.
And please know that you have two friends in Austin that are very happy for y’all and we don’t give a shit that we weren’t invited to participate.
Don’t feel guilty. You did the right thing.
John and I remarried (in the Catholic Church six years after we married) so that he wouldn’t burn in hell. We had married in the United Methodist Church, which offended his family. He didn’t care, but he wanted to make his mother happy. I was offended that some old priest who hadn’t been married wanted to offer me advice on marriage. Poor John even had to go to confession before we married in the Catholic Church for his prior “sin.”
Did I say that I was mad for having to do this? I was pissed, but I did it for John, who later left the church anyway.
You shouldn’t be “sorry” for doing your wedding the way you wanted. It’s your wedding. Anyone that is making this all about them, or making you feel guilty, isn’t really your friend.