What the hell, Apple? or, An open letter to Steve Jobs

Dear Mr. Jobs,

I have been a loyal user of Apple products since 1984. No, that wasn’t when I bought my first Mac—that was when I entered kindergarten and was introduced to the awesomeness of the Apple IIe. Hey, it wasn’t a rich school; we had to use what we could get.

Anyway, I consider myself a true Apple geek loyalist, and therefore feel the need to share my disappointment with some recent product releases.

First, and probably most importantly, I would like to give a big “WTF were you thinking?!” to whoever was in charge of designing the new Apple keyboard.

Yeah, the overall style is fine (I don’t really like typing on the MacBook keyboard, which appears to be the inspiration for the new Apple keyboard, but whatev, I can deal), but dude. Dude. Removing the open-apple symbol from the command key? What the hell is that about?? What are us old-school Apple geeks users supposed to say now when we want to tell someone how to execute a command? Sure, I’ll keep on saying “Oh, you don’t have to use file+quit to exit the program! Just hit open-apple+Q!”

But now, thanks to your betrayal of design, originality AND function, I’ll look like the jackass when the n00b says “open what what?” and I can’t point to the silhouette of an apple on the command key and say in the tone of voice one uses when imparting great wisdom or revealing a life-changing secret, “There… see? It’s an open apple.”

So let’s just hope that I don’t have to buy any keyboards any time soon, because I’m not buying that piece of crap you’re trying to pass off as an Apple product. It might as well be made by Kensington or Logitech.

And second, though this really doesn’t affect me too much because I don’t plan on purchasing either of these: WTF is up with the god damned pastel colors for the iPod Nano and iPod Shuffle? Did I not get my invite to the Apple Easter party just because I don’t believe in Jesus and the Easter Bunny anymore? Seriously. OK, I get adding the red to the lineup, and fine, you want a teal color. But why fuck with the nice hipster green that you had? And why get rid of the cool orange color? Did some University of Texas grad piss you off for some unknown reason?

Look, I already have the silver iPod Shuffle. And when the old new colors came out a few months after I got my silver one, I was all “Doh! I could’ve had a green or orange one!” But now, I’m glad I’ve got the silver. It’s better than looking like some shit Barbie would listen to while trying to get even more anatomically impossible working out in her playhouse gym. Barf.

Anyway, Mr. Jobs, I hope we can still be friends. (And by “friends,” I mean I hope you keep making bad-ass products and I’ll keep giving you all my money and never be able to pay off my student loans.) Your products and I have had quite the meaningful relationship over the years, and I’d hate for it to end over something so trivial. If these changes are just a phase you’re going through, I will try my best to understand and be supportive.

But so help me, if the next “One More Thing” is how you’re partnering with Starbucks abandoning Mac OS and shipping Windows with your machines instead, I swear to god I will punch you in the face.

Love and hugs,
Megan

~ by Megan on September 11, 2007.